I wish I could exude positivity all the time. I try to, but it isn’t easy. There are just days that the bad becomes ever so overwhelming that I feel that a huge dark cloud comes over my life waiting to swallow me up.
So here it is, the dark cloud that has been brewing in my broken brain for a few months now. Keeping these thoughts stuck up there is not doing me any good. I AM ANGRY. Life is passing me by and I am too slow to catch up to it. I see my friends enjoy their weekends, hanging out for long runs, and running races. I am happy for them, but real sad for myself. I want to be out there running, be at the gym working out hard, sweating like a sinner at church. I try to stay out of social media on the weekends to avoid seeing all the fun everyone else is having. The fear of missing out (fomo as the kids say it), is very real.
I am also missing out on the life of my boys. They are now at the age where we can go out and have fun adventures, instead they have to slow down to my pace which I am sure is very frustrating for them. I feel that I am not as present for Scotty as I was for Vincent. I knew most of Vincent friends as I used to drive them around everywhere. With Scotty, I hardly know who he hangs out with. The three of us used to just jump in the car, go to the store, argue and work things out. I really miss those days.
I also am sad that Armando and I are not enjoying our time together as we had planned. We go out on dates, but he ends up going into his caregiver mode when we are out because he worries about me. I also end up getting frustrated because things that used to be easy, are no longer.
I am missing out. I will miss out. The fear is real. That makes me angry.
Thank you for reading through my vent. If you have stuck it out this far, I would appreciate your thoughts & feedback!